GetOffended.com Joke Archives Page 8

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Joke of the Day Archives Page 8 (Jan 2004 - Present)

Nov 6th, 2004 Updates

What's the opposite of Christopher R**ves?
Christopher W*lken. - Ryan E, New York

What's the smartest thing that ever came out of a woman's mouth?
Einstein's dick. - Gerald M, Florida

What do you call 20 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start. - Heidi M, Ohio

Little Mary and her mother are at the zoo. Mary sees two monkeys mating and points to them and says "mommy, what are those gorillas doing?" Mom thinks for a minute and says "um... they're frying fish honey" so then they go into the zoo a little more, and then Mary sees two pandas mating and asks "mommy, what are those pandas doing?" Mom says "they're frying fish honey, remember what we saw with the monkeys?" Later on that evening when they get home, Mom and Dad disappear into their bedroom for a little bit. When mom comes back down, Mary asks "mommy, what were you and daddy doing in there?" mom says "we were frying fish honey." Mary says "well, you still have some tartar sauce on your lip." - Heidi M, Ohio

Little Bobby gets up in the middle of the night and has to use the bathroom. On the way to the bathroom, he passes his parents room, notices the door slightly open, peeks in, sees the sheets moving, and says "hey dad, watcha doing?" Dad says "I'm playing eucher, go to bed". "well who's your partner?" "your mom, go to bed!" So then he peeks in his sister's room, looks in and sees the sheets moving "hey sis, watcha doing?" "playing eucher, go to bed" "who's your partner?" "my boyfriend, go to bed!" So the next morning, everybody is downstairs eating breakfast, but they notice that little Bobby isn't there. So dad goes up to see what's keeping him. Dad looks in Bobby's room, sees the sheets moving, and says "hey son, watcha doing?" "I'm playing eucher dad." Dad says "oh yeah? Who's your partner?" Bobby says "dad, you don't need one if you have a good enough hand!"

A man escapes from prison were he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house looking for some money and weapons, instead he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her and kisses her neck then gets up and goes into the bath room. While he's in there the husband tells his wife, "Listen honey, this guy's an escaped convict. Look at his clothes. He's probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... just do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong honey, I love you." His wife said, "He wasn't kissing my neck, he was wispering in my ear that he's gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too." - Cindi S, California

What do Michael J*ckson and a Silver Medalist have in common?
They both came in a little behind.

Why are Monica L*winski's cheeks so fat?
She's been withholding evidence.

Two necrophiliacs were hanging out one night talking. One said "Hey Ben, whatever happened to that girl you were seeing a while back? Last time I saw you, you said things were going real well." Ben replied, "Yeah, they were. But then the rotten cunt split on me." - Steve B, Ohio

What is the definition of an overbite?
When you go down on someone and it tastes like shit! - Jackie

Sept 11th, 2004 Updates

Bush, Cheney, Ashcroft, and Colin Powell are in a burning building, who gets savedfirst?
America - Weste E, WA

Sept 9th, 2004 Updates

A blonde is in a row boat on the side of the road, and she is happily rowing along when another blonde pulls up in a nice convertable. The blonde in the car yells at the blonde in the boat, "Hey, idiot, you're setting a bad example for all blondes! If I could swim, I'd get out and kick your ass!!" - Bubba C., California

President Bush and his wife are in the back of their private plane. President Bush pulls out a thousand dollar bill. He looks at his wife and says, "Ya know Laura, I could throw this $1,000 dollar bill out of this plane and make one person very happy." Laura replies, "So....I could throw 1,000 $1 bills out of this plane and make 1,000 people happy." Then the pilot looks back and chimes in, "I could throw both of you out of this plane and make the whole damn country happy!" - Bubba C., California

How do you stop five black men raping a white woman?
Throw them a basketball. - P. Vere, Cayman Islands

What do you call a black guy with blonde hair?
A pint of Guinness. - P. Vere, Cayman Islands

What does the "INRI" at the top of the cross stand for?
"I'm Nailed Right In." - George O, NC

Why do women have a hard time pissing in the morning?
Ever try to pull apart grilled cheese? - Wayne G, CA

What's good on pie but not on pussy?
Crust. - Wayne G, CA

Two cowboys are riding the range when they come upon a sheep with it's head caught in a fence, one cowboy looks at the other and says " I can't pass that up" He gets off his horse and bangs the sheep, as he finishes up he looks at his friend and asks, "you want some of this?" his friend" replies "you fuckin crazy? I aint putting my head in that fence!" - Len C, Florida

Why is a dog turd better than a black dude?
Because eventually a dog turd turns white and stops stinkin'. - Russ, NC

A family of skunks and a family of ducks were crossing the street, when a huge truck came full speed and killed each animal, except one skunk and one duck. The duck started crying, and the skunk asked him 'What's the matter?'. The duck said 'Well, all my family got killed, I don't know who I am anymore'. The skunk replied 'Well it's easy.. you're yellow, you got a beak, and you got palms on your feet. You're a duck!'. Then the skunk started crying too. The duck asked 'What's the matter?'. The skunk said 'Well, my whole family's dead too.. so I don't know who I am either'. The duck said 'Well.. you're not white, you're not black, and you fucking stink... you're a Paki!'

Aug 21st, 2004 Updates

What do you call a Russian with 3 balls?
Oujanicka Bollokoff. - Leggy

What do you call a Russian prostitute?
Eva Knickersoffalot. - Leggy

What's the difference between black pussy and a bowling ball?
I think I could force myself to eat a bowling ball. - Freesh, UK

Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. In court, the judge asks Mickey why he wants to divorce Minnie. Mickey says "It's kind of embarrasing... can I whisper in your ear?" and the Judge says "Sure". So Mickey goes up, leans in and whispers to the judge and then sits back down. The judge then says "I'm confused... you want to divorce Minnie because she's funny?" and Mickey responds "I didnt say she was funny, I said she was FUCKING GOOFY" - Hugh J, New York

A little boy comes home and tells his mom he wants to take a shower with her. She says that he can take a shower with her as long as he doesn't look down. Well, in the shower, he looks down anyway. "Mommy, what's that?" he asks. "Thats... my sponge." she responds. A couple months later, the summer is approaching and the mother has gotten a bikini wax. The boy wants to take a shower with her again. In the shower the boy says "Mommy, where's your sponge?" and she says "Oh... I lost it..." The next day the boy says "Mommy, Mommy I found your sponge!" "Where was it??" she asks. "Mrs. Johnson, the neighbor, was washing daddy's face with it!" Later that day the father comes home, and the mother says "I want a divorce." The father says "What? Why?" She points to the boy and says "You tell him," and the boy says "Well, I saw Mrs. Johnson washing your face with a sponge, just like Mommy used to do to Uncle Billy." - Hugh J, New York

A man is on an airplane and he really has to go to the bathroom, but the men's bathroom is occupied and there is a long line. A flight attendant sees how desparate he is and she says "I'll let you use the women's bathroom, but only if you PROMISE not to touch any of the buttons!" He promises and goes in. After doing his business, he notices the buttons, and of course doesn't listen to the flight attendant. He presses the first one "W" and a light mist of water comes up over is bare ass. He presses the second one "P" and a puff of powder comes up. He thinks "Wow this is so nice! No wonder women always take forever in the bathroom!" Finally he can't wait to press the last one "ATR". The next thing he knows, he is in a hospital bed. Confuzed, he calls over the nurse "I don't understand... the last thing I remember I was in the women's bathroom on an airplane" The nurse responds "Yeah, you must have pressed the ATR button: Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow." - Hugh J, New York

What's long, hard and unloading all the time?
A train. - Hugh J, New York

July 10, 2004 Updates

Why don't old people have sex?
Have you ever tried to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwhich? - Steven B, IL

What do you call two lesbians on their period?
Finger painters. - Ashlee F, Wisconsin

Why is asprin white?
Because it works. - Ashlee F, Wisconsin

You know how to make a Michael Jackson sandwich?
Put a 45 year-old piece of meat in between two 10 year old buns. - Ashlee F, Wisconsin

Once there was a liitle boy in church. He had to go to the bathroom so he told his mother, ''Mommy, I have to piss.'' The mother said, ''Son don't say 'piss' in church. Next time you have to pee, say, 'I have to whisper' because it is more polite." The next Sunday, the litle boy was sitting by his father this time, and once again, he had to go to the bathroom. He told his father, ''Daddy I have to whisper.'' The father said, ''OK. Here, whisper in my ear.'' - Jeremy, Canada

What do you call a gay guy with diahrea?
A Juicy Fruit. - Jeremy, Canada

What do you do if you find a dead Mexican in your restaraunt?
Get a new dishwasher... - Ajay S, Ohio

What is the best thing about having sex with a 12 year old orphan?
She can't run home and tell her parents. - Big W, Ohio

Three gay guys are in the shower about to have their way with eachother, when they realize that they don't have any towels, so one of them finally volunteers to go and get some towels, telling the other two not to start having fun untill he comes back. When the guy comes back with the towels, he finds, to his disapointment, that one of the other guys has cum all over his ass, so he says "hey I told you guys not to do anything before I got back!" The guy with the cum on his ass then says, "We didn't do anything without you - I farted." - Alex E, NY

"Meat", "Wife", "Blowjob". Which of these words doesn't belong?
Blowjob because you can beat your meat, you can beat your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob. - Alex E, NY

Why don't Jewish women do guys with uncircumsized dicks?
Because they don't want anything that's not at least 20% off! - Alex E, NY

One day, there was a Chinese man who was skipping rocks across a lake, when a black man came up to him and asked what the fuck he was doing. The Chinese man replied that according to ancient Chinese legend, if you skip a stone across this lake, you can hear the names of your ancestors echo in the wind. So the Chinese man skipped a rock across the lake and it echoed "chim-pung-chang." Now, the black guy thought he would give it a try, so he skipped the rock across the lake and it echoed, "chim-pan-zee." - Alex E, NY

June 1, 2004 Updates

A distinguished looking gentleman was walking down the street one day following a very beautiful woman. He approached the beauty and posed the following question, "Good afternoon my dear, can I smell your pussy?" he asked. Gasping and taken aback the woman instantly slapped his face and replied, "No sir you may NOT!". "Well then..." the gentleman responded, "It must be your feet..." - Hellbilly, Ohio

Today the "Big 3" auto makers announced that they would return the "brights" dimmer switch to the floor position as it was on older vehicles. Apparently studies have revealed that blondes are getting their feet entangled in the steering wheel resulting in an increase in accidents. - Hellbilly, Ohio

A priest was greeting the worshippers in the church lobby one Sunday when he noticed little Johnny staring at a large plaque on the wall. The the entire time the priest was greeting people, little Johnny stared inquisitively at the plaque and the priest noticed him several times. Finally as the worshippers tapered off the priest approached little Johnny and asked him what he was doing. Little Johnny asked, "Pastor, what are all of these names on here for?" The priest proudly explained to Johnny that the plaque was there so we would not forget the people that died in the service. Still befuddled little Johnny promptly asked the priest "Was that the 3:00 or the 6:00 service?" - Hellbilly, Ohio

Two condoms are walking pat a gay bar. One condom says to the other, "Wanna go get shitfaced - Hellbilly, Chicago

A man worked in a Canadian Federal Government office. One day, he was looking through an old filing cabinet in the corner. In the back of the bottom drawer, he found a dusty old brass lamp. He took it out, and when he brushed some of the dust off, a Genie appeared. The genie said "I am the Genie of the lamp, and I will grant you three wishes." The man thought for a moment, and said "I would like a big, cold beer, and POOF!! an ice-cold quart of Lager appeared before him. Then, he said "for my second wish, I would like to be the only man, living on a tropical island with one hundred beautiful women", and POOF!!!, he was standing on a white sand beach, surrounded by palm trees and gorgeous babes. He thought a little and told the Genie "for my third wish, I don't ever want to have to work again", and POOF!!!, he was back at his desk in the Government office.

A crusty old biker walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window "I want to open a damn checking account." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" The biker shouts, "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account... now!" She replies camly, "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank." She then leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform her of the situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old biker, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" The old biker explains, "There's no damn problem. I just won 50 million dollars in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!" "I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?" - Cooper

What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?
A forty foot cock that wants to reach out and touch some one.

Why do women douche?
Cause a twat can't spit. - Jenny D, Kansas

Why is it hard for lesbians to diet?
It's hard to eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on your face! - Jenny D, Kansas

What do you call a school bus full of white kids?
A twinky.

There were three guys, an Italian, a Mexican, and a white guy. They all worked for the same construction company. One day the Itallian says; "Ima sick ov da same ding fo luch evary day. If I get da pizza again ima trow myself out da window!" and the Mexican said; "Yea homes your right, if I get tha tacos again ima throw myself out tha window with ya." and the white guy said; "Yep if I get the baloney again I'll throw maself out the winda too." The next day the Italian gets the pizza, throws himself out the window, the Mexican gets the tacos so he throws himself out the window, and the white guy gets baloney and throws himself out the window. At the funeral all the wives were there. The Italian's wife said; "I didn't know he didn't like da pizza" and the Mexican's wife said, "I didn't know he didn't like the tacos" Both of them were crying their eyes out and they looked over at the white guy's wife and asked why she wasn't cryin. She simply said, "It ain't my fault, he made his own fuckin' lunch". - Ryan, Colorado

Why did the little girl put a goldfish in her pocket?
She wanted to smell like the big girls. - Bliss B, WA

Why weren't there any blacks on the Flintstones?
They were still monkeys back then.- BeetoGeuse

What do you call a Mexican without a lawnmower?
Unemployed. - BeetoGeuse

What do you call a whole bunch black people in a sauna?
"Gorilla's In The Mist". - BeetoGeuse

How do you know a redneck is on the rag?
She's only wearing one sock. - BeetoGeuse

How many babies does it take to paint a house?
It depends how hard you throw them. - Jon B, Ohio

A golf fanatic shows up at his country club one day. He says to the attendant. I'd like 18 holes with a caddy. The attendant responds, all of our caddies are currently out on the course. We do however have some new robotic caddies. You are welcome to try one out for free. You just have to tell us how you like it. So the guy says OK. When he returns the attendant asks hin how he liked the robot caddy. It was great he says. It knew everything about the course. Well is there anything you didn't like?, the attendant says. Yes the man responds, it was too shiny. The glare from the sun blinded me when I tried to swing. The attendent appologised. The next week the man returned, and requested a robot caddy. The attendant told him that they no longer had robot caddies. Why not said the man. Well they were too shiny, so we painted them black. Since then they havent showed up for work, and the one that did, stole the cash register. - Jon B, Ohio

May 3, 2004 Updates

How do you get an Ethiopian woman pregnant?
Cum in her shoe and the flies will do the rest. - Jason M, PA

Blondes are like Shotguns... one cock and they're ready to blow. - Sean, CA

How do you know Michael Jackson has a date at his house?
There's a tricycle in the driveway.

A Catholic priest was in confessional when he realized he had to take a shit. He looked out at the line and there were 12 people still waiting, so he grabbed the janitor and told him to set in for him. He gave him a list of what to tell the people for various sins. The first girl said, "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I stole something." The janitor looked at the list and said, "Three hail marys and you will be forgiven." The next girl said, "Forgive me for I have sinned, I had anal sex." The janitor didn't see that on his list of sins so he looked out the back door. All he could see was an alter boy so he asked the boy. "What does the father usually give for anal sex?" The boy replied. "50 cents and a candy bar."

How do you finger a fat chick?
Finger through the rolls till you smell shit, then back up 2 inches. - Paul G, NY

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketbal?
Juan-on-Juan. - Alan H, NC

Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses?
Because Italians don't like any witnesses...

A man walked into the ladies department of Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter to buy a Christmas gift for his wife and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife." "What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?" "Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from." Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?" Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple... The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen. The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."

John sits down at a bar, looking very dejected. His friend Steve asks what's wrong. "It's my mother-in-law, I have a real problem with her." "Don't worry" Steve says. "Everyone has a problem with their mother-in-law." "Yeah", John says, "But I got mine pregnant" - Landon S.

How does a woman hold her liquor?
By his ears.

Two couples were playing cards one evening. John accidentally dropped a card and when he bent under the table to pick it up, he noticed that Bill's wife Sue, legs spread wide, wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well yes, indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial as well as the moral costs of this offer, John indicates that he is indeed interested. She tells him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, that John should be at her house around 2:00 Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house for the planned time with Sue at 2:00pm sharp. After paying her the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their sexual transaction as Sue had promised. Afterwards, John quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6:00 pm and upon entering said... "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" A little worried, Bill's wife answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, replied, Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500." Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

What's the best part about fuckin thirty-nine year olds?
There's thirty of 'em! - Toby, Kansas

Why are black people's noses flat?
That's where God put his foot when he pulled their tails off. - Bond

March 19, 2004 Updates

Why did God give black guys big cocks?
He was sorry for what he did to their hair. - Michael W, New Jersey

Why do black guys always think about sex?
They got pubes on their heads... - Michael W, New Jersey

Why does Micheal J*ckson wear little boys underwear around his shoulder?
It's the patch, he's trying to quit. - Dildo Thomas M, MI

What do you call a Mexican in a suit?
An Italian. - Dildo Thomas M, MI

What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an octopus?
Hell if I know, but it sure can pick a lot of oranges.

How many black guys does it take to clean a toilet?
None, that's a woman's job. - Mike, Ohio

Three Polish guys are walking down the street. Two walk into a bar, but the third had enough brains to duck under it.

Two muffins are baking in the oven when the first one looks over and says, "God it's getting hot in here." The other suddenly turns around and exclaims, "Holy shit! A talking muffin!"

What starts with "F" and ends in "U", "C", "K"?
Firetruck.

What do you call a retard with a stuttering problem?
Hilarious! - Steve, Tennessee

There are three pregnant women walking down the street, a blonde and two brunettes. The first brunette says that she thinks she will have a boy because he was on top. The second brunette says that she thinks she is gonna have a girl because she was on top. The blonde says "I think I am goin' to have puppies because we did it doggiestyle." - Michelle, PA

What do you call one (insert descriptive minority here) person in the middle of the ocean?
Pollution.
What do you call 1,000,000 (insert descriptive minority here) people in the middle of the ocean?
Solution. - Fred J

What do you call a bunch of blondes in a freezer?
Frosted flakes. - Tanner F, New York

What do you get when you put four blacks in a red sleeping bag?
A kit-kat bar. - Tanner F, New York

Why do you only put two hundred and thiry-nine beans in chili?
Because one more would be too farty. - Jason M, PA

January, 2004 Updates

One day a little girl is taking a shower with her mom. She looks up at her mother's breasts and asks, "Mommy, when am I going to get some of those?" And the mother replies, "When your older." A few days later the same little girl is taking a shower with her father. She looks down at her dad's dick then asks, "Daddy, when am I goning to get one of those?" The father looked at her and replied, "Right now." - Alison, Arizona

Why do pedophiles like Halloween?
Free home delivery. - Bradley, Seattle

Why did God invent orgasms?
So black people would know when to stop fucking. - Ari, New York

What's the difference between a militant lesbian and a sperm whale?
About fifty pounds and a flannel shirt! - Ari, New York

What do you call a white guy surrounded by three black guys?
The victim.
What do you call a white guy surrounded by ten black guys?
The Quarterback.
What do you call a white guy surrounded by one hundred black guys?
The Prison Warden. - A, Detroit City

So a priest, a rapist, and a pedophile walk into a bar... and that was just the first guy... - Alex, Detroit City

A guy is sitting at his house watching TV. He hears a knock on the door. He gets up and answers it, there's a snail on his front porch. The snail says, "Hey man, what's happening?" The guy bends down, picks up the snail and throws him across the street... A year later, the same guy is sitting at his house watching TV. He hears a knock on the door. He gets up and answers it, there's the snail on his front porch again. The snail says, "Hey man, what the fuck was that all about?" - Alex, Detroit City

What's the best part about having sex with twenty eight year olds?
There's twenty of them. - Dumb Kid (the D.K.), Cincinnati

What is black and blue and goes "thump, thump, thump"?
A dead baby in a dryer. - Michael W, New Jersey

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