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The jokes you are about to read are for adults 18 years of age or older with a very strong stomach and a very strong heart. If you have a problem with issues of race, violence, pedophilia, cannibalism, feces, masturbation, mutilation of corpses, sadomasochism, sodomy, spousal abuse, or anything considered offensive or taboo by modern society... please click your back button and DO NOT READ ON. For everyone else, happy to be a part of this gutter called Earth...

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Joke of the Day Archives Page 6 (June 2003 - Oct 2003)

November 11th, 2003 Updates

How do you get a million jews onto a bus?
Throw a penny on.
How do you get them off?
Tell them Hitler is driving. - Newton

What's the fastest thing in the world?
An Ethiopion with a dinner pass.
What's the second fastest?
The ethiopion he stole it from.
What's the third fastest?
The flies chasing them. - Newton

How do you get 1 million Ethiopions in a phone booth?
Throw a tin of beans in.
How do you get them out?
Run past with the tin opener. - Newton

How do you get a blonde out of a tree?
Wave.

What's invisible and smells like cum?
A gay guy's burp.

Why do the monkeys at the zoo always look so pissed off?
Because in 10,000 years they know they will be black men. - Mike L, Ohio

Why do black people smell so bad??
God made it that way so blind people could hate them too. - Mike L, Ohio

If a Jew and Pizza got in a fight in an oven, who would win?
The Jew would, because he has home field advantage. - Mike L, Ohio

What do you get if you combine a retard and a gang banger?
A crip who spray paints chain link fences. - Justin H, California

What's the difference between Jesus and a hooker getting nailed?
The expression on there faces! - M. Conlon Jr., California

What's better than having a 12 year old girl in the shower with you?
Slicking her hair back and making her look like a 9 year old boy. - M. Conlon Jr., California

What's the difference between your dick and a bonus?
Your wife'll blow your bonus. - C. Maurer, Ohio

Why did cavemen drag their women around by their hair?
If they dragged them by their feet, they'd fill up with mud. - Josh C, California

How is Bud Light like sex on the beach?
It's fuckin' near water. - Scott W, California

How do you punish Hellen Keller?
Move her furniture around. - Mike H, Iowa

Why does Hellen Keller only masterbate with only one hand?
She's too busy moaning with the other. - Mike H, Iowa

There are three explorers roaming through an African jungle when they are captured by a primitive tribe. The tribe gathers the three men around a waist high "T" made of wood in the center of the village. The chief says to the first man, "Choose, death or magumbo!" the man said "well, I don't want to die, so I choose magumbo" the villagers threw him over the "T", ripped his pants off and took turns ass raping him. The chief goes to the second man, "Choose, death or magumgo!" second man says, "well, I guess I don't wanna die either, well, I must choose magumbo!" so he too was bent over the "T" and ass raped by every male in the tribe. The chief then looks at the 3rd man.. the man steps forward and says, "FUCK THAT! give me death you ass holes!" The chief then shouts, "DEATH, BY MAGUMBO!!!" - Jimmie and Matt, Arizona

This leper walks into a bar. He walks up to the bartender and says, " I know I don't look all that great and I will understand if you don't want to serve me, and if I make you sick at anytime I will leave..." Then the bartender stops him and says, " Hey man don't worry about it you can drink here anytime you want. What'll ya have?" The leper thanks him and gets a beer. Once he gets his beer he puts his arm on the bar a turns to his side to drink his beer and watch the game. About 15 minutes pass and all of a sudden the bartender takes of running and the leper could hear him just puking his guts up. The bartender comes walking back wiping off his mouth, and the leper says to him, " Hey man I told you if I made you sick I would leave!" The bartender stopped him and said, " No! No man! It isn't you it's the guy next to you. He's been dipping his chips in your arm for the past 10 minutes!"

Why did the whale puke after eating the submarine?
It was the first time it swallowed Seamen. - Josh W, Ohio

What made the Michael Jackson and Janet Jackson Music Video a classic?
It was in black and White. - Josh W, Ohio

Uncle Sam, Saddame Huissane and the Prime Minister of Canada are all walking along one day talking when they find a lamp and all reach down and touch it at the same time. The Genie pops out and says "I shall grant each of you one wish so make it wisely." so first the Prime minister of Canada goes and he says "I wish that our crops and industry will prosper forever on" and so the geanie grants his wish. then Saddam says " I want a wall to souround my country and prevent anyone from getting in out getting out of it. Virtually indestructable and impossible to penetrate." and so the Genie grants his wish. then Uncle sam asks about the wall and the genie tells him that it is perfect and nothing will get through it or over it. It was 500 miles high and 6 miles in width. so Uncle Sam Replies "Fill it with Water." - Josh W, Ohio

How is a blonde like a car?
Once you have been in it a few times it gets old. - Josh W, Ohio

One day in class a teacher is taking attendance when one of the students shows up late and when the teacher asks where he was he says "on top of Cherry Hill" then he continues going down the attendance list when a boy and another girl show up and when asked where they were they reply "on top of Cherry Hill" then just as the teacher is about to finish attendence one more girl shows up and the teacher says "let me guess, On top of Cherry Hill?" and the girl replies, "No I am Cherry Hill". - Josh W, Ohio

There was a bear and a rabbit, each had three wishes. First the bear wishes for every bear, except himself, in the forest were women because he's horny. The rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. Then the bear wishes for every bear, except himself, in the country to be women because he's really horny... The rabbit's next wish is a helmet for his motorcycle. Then the bear wishes for every bear, except himself, in the whole world to be women because he's really, really horny... The rabbit's last wish was, "I wish that bear was gay." - Alex M, New York

There was a man lost in China. He finds this place in the woods, knocks on the door and says" Can I please stay here for the night?" The old man who answers the door says, "Yes you may, but if you touch my daughter, i will perform the three chinesee tortures on you." Later that night, the guy fucks the old man's daughter because she's really hot. He then goes to bed naked. Later in the night he wakes up to find a boulder on his chest with a note "Chinesee Torture 1, Boulder On Chest" so the man decides to throw the boulder out the window. He then sees a note by the windowsill, "Chinesee Torture 2, String Tied From Boulder To Left Testicle" So the guy jumps out the window, then he sees a note outside saying "Chinesee Torture 3, String Tied From Bedpost To Right Testicle" - Alex M, New York

There were three guys at a bar, Charlie, Clark, and the bartender. Clark says to Charlie "If you jump out that window you can live." Charlie says "No you can't!" Clark says "yeah you can, see." -jumps out the window, couple seconds later, walks up the stairs in perfect condition. Charlie says, "Wow do that again!" Clark jumps out the window and a couple seconds later walks up the stairs in perfect condition. Charlie says, "Cool, let me try." He jumps out the window, falls and dies. Then the bartender says, "Jeez superman, you're a real dick when you're drunk." - Alex M, New York

What do you get when you stick a knife in a baby's head?
I don't know about you, but I get a boner. - Matt D

Daniel Boone and Davie Crockett were standing at the Alamo, when a bunch of mexicans started jumping over the wall. Davie looked to Daniel and said, "I didn't know we were supposed to pour cement today." - Matt D

A Portuguese man was asked what two days of the week start with a "T". He replied, "That's easy, today and tomorrow." - Matt D

How did Ronald McDonald get aids?
He believed in Magic. - Matt D

A woman ran into a police station and began sobbing, "I've just been ravaged by two Polish men." The police asked, "How do you know they were Polish?" She replied, "I had to help them". - Matt D

Did you hear about the remake of The Exorcist that's in the works?
It's about a woman who hires the devil to get a priest out of her son. - Matt D

What's the one thing you shouldn't say in Victoria's Secret?
"Does this come in kid's sizes?" - Todd F, Pennsylvania

A Chinese couple are laying in bed, the husband turns to the wife and says, "Honey me horny, me so horny, I wanta 69, I wanta 69!". The wife turns to the husband and says "Why you want beef and broccoli now?!!!!"

How do you get a nun pregnant?
You fuck her.

What do you call it when a priest takes a crap?
Holy Shit.

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game, but unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow!" "Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be OK." Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon" he replied. Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it?" she cried excitedly. "OK. The question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.'" Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep, with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question. "Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds." "Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds." "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..." "That's close enough," said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!" - Tony F, Ohio

A man out playing golf slices off into the woods. When he goes to find the ball he discovers a witch (hat and all) stirring a cauldron. So out of curiosity he asks her what she is brewing. "A magic potion" she replies. "Well what is it for?" he asks. "This potion will make anyone an excellent golfer." At this he gets really excited and asks if he can have some. She is agreeable but warns him that it will have dire consequences on his sex life. After a short period of soul searching he decides to try the potion. He goes back to the golf course and completes an excellent game of golf. Next he challenges the golf pro and beats him easily. He spends every possible moment of the next year playing golf at every course he manages to get to and having a wonderful time of it. After a year he finds himself back at the same course where he found the witch. Out of curiosity he slices one into the woods so he can talk to her. "Well", she asks, "How has your game been?" "Great! This has been the best year of my life. I have played all over the country and never lost a game." "And how about your sex life?" "Oh, not bad." "Really? This stuff can really ruin a guy's sex life. Say, how many times did you have sex last year?" "Hmmmm, it was three, no, four times." "And you call that not bad?" "Not for a priest with a small parish." - Tony F, Ohio

A man and a woman were waiting in line at the hospital donation center. Man: "What are you doing here today?" Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it." Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25." The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the same line. Man: "Hi there! Here to donate blood again?" Woman: (nodding her head with mouth closed) "Unh unh." - Tony F, Ohio

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what she's doing. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?" The woman replies, " I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?" "Pepper", she replies. - Tony F, Ohio

Over at the retirement home when its 8:00, the nurses give the old men chocolate milk and viagra before they go to sleep. The cholcolate milk puts them to sleep, and the viagra keeps them from rolling out of bed. - Brandon R, California

What's the difference between a rooster and a hooker?
A rooster wakes up in the morning and clucks defiance. - Andy S, Texas

This guy walks up to a group of his friends and completely interrupts them by saying, "So I was fuckin' this girl in the ass the other day and she turned around and I said, 'Do I know you?' And the girl saysback to me, 'Do I know you? Isn't that a presumptuous question at this point in time?' So I say back to her, 'Presumptuous? Isn't that large word for a six year old?'" - Courtney, MA

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?" "Ten," she replied. "What are their names?" he asked. "David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered. "They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?" "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come running in." "And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?" "I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered. "But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked. "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!" - Brandon R, California

A cop pulls a woman over for speeding and he notices her eyes are red. He says, "Gee, your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?" And she replies, "No officer, but gee, your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts? - Brandon R, California

One day a teacher went into her class room and saw the word, ÒpenisÓ written in small letters on the chalkboard. She erased it and went on with the day's lesson. The next day, she came in and saw the same word on the chalkbaord, but a little bit bigger. She erased it and went on with her lesson. Each of the next several days, the teacher would come in to find ÒpenisÓ on the board, a little larger each time. She went in one morning, expecting to dinf it again, but instead the chalkboard read: ÒThe more you rub it, the bigger it gets.Ó - Brandon R, California

A man get a hooker, and brings her back to a hotel room. They both they down in the bed and he is trying to get her wet and can't. She says, "well get yourself ready and ill be back wet." He gets ready and she comes back dripping wet. They do it and he asks, "how did you get yourself so wet?" She replies, "i just picked the scabs and let the puss run." - Nathan G, Indiana

A lady goes to the doctor and asks when she can't get a date. He tells her to take her clothes off and crawl to the other side of the room and back. So she does it, he says do ti again, so she does. He tells her to put her clothes back on and gives her the bad news. She has Ed Zachary disease, she asks what it is. And he tells her that her face looks Ed Zachary like her ass. - Nathan G, Indiana

Why did Michael Jackson mess with that boy?
Because when you look white, you have to think white too.

When do white people abort their babies?
After birth.

How do white people drive?
Like NASCAR.

What wears tight shirts, punk jeans, thong sandles, and several piercings?
Straight white dudes.

What do you call a plane full of crackers heading back to Europe?
Frog-Food.

What's flat and white (besides a wall)?
Caucasian bitches.

Why didn't whites ever pick cotton?
They were too busy picking lice.

What's the first thing Columbus said when he found America?
"What are y'all doing here?"

What do white kids play on recess?
MTV's Jackass.

What does a white guy do when he gets fired?
He fires back... literally.

How do you get a white guy to commit suicide?
Lie about a break-up.

What do black men get for sex?
Condoms.
What do white men get for sex?
Candy.

What is long, soft, and full of seamen?
A fag's intestines. - The Dingo

What do you call a black guy that stutters?
A co-coon.

A guy finds a magic lamp so he rubs it, and out pops a jewish genie. The genie says he will grant him 3 wishes. The guy says "I wish I was rich". *Poof* the guy's pockets are filled with money. Astonished, the guy says "OK, for my second wish I want to have the nicest car". *Poof* there's a Jag sitting next to him. "Wow," the guy says, "this is really amazing! For my final wish, I wish to be surrounded by pussy for the rest of my life". *Poof* The jewish genie turns him into a tampon. The moral of the story- you can't get anything from a jew with out strings attached. - GrimeyB, Pennsylvania

Why do Scottsmen wear kilts?
Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

How does a redneck woman know her daughter's on the rag?
Her son's dick tastes funny.

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash and resell her crack.

What's long, black, and smelly?
The unemployment line. - Danny M, New York

What is the most confusing day in Harlem?
Fathers Day. - Danny M, New York

Why are there so many trees in Harlem?
Transportation. - Danny M, New York

What do you call a black man in a suit?
GUILTY!!! - Danny M, New York

How do you know when a mechanic has just had sex?
One of his fingers is clean. - Johnny G, UK

What do a condom and a camera have in common?
They both capture the moment! - Chris E, New Hampshire

A Frenchman, a Mexican, and a Texan were camping out on a hunting trip. The second night, after none of them having any luck on the hunt, the three were around the fire drinking. After quite a while of drinking, and having a good buzz, the Frenchman tilts back his bottle of wine and finishes it off. Having done this, he throws it in the air, shoots the bottle and yells "Viva la France!" The Mexican taking this as his cue, finishes off his bottle of tequila, throws the bottle into the air, shoots the bottle, and yells "Old 'ole old Mexico!" Sick and tired of the whole mess, the Texan finishes his beer, crushes the can, shoots the Mexican, and yells "Remeber the Alamo!" - Glenn M, Texas

How many white people does it take to eat a rabbit?
Five, four to eat it, and one to look out for cars. - Tino Z, California

How do you make a dead baby float?
Start with one mug of Root Beer and add two scoops of dead babies. - Jeff Tate, Oregon

A little hairlip boy gets dressed up for halloween. He makes his way around the neighborhood and it's starting to get dark. He decides that he will go to a few more houses and go home. He gets to the last house and knocks on the door. A little old lady comes to the door and looks at him and says "Oh that's cute, you're dressed like a little pirate. But i just have one question where's your buccaneers"? He looks at her takes off his hat and points at his head and says. " my "Buckin' ears are right here... where's your buckin' eyes bitch!!!" - Brenden K, Utah

October 31st, 2003 Updates

What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
The Air Pump!

Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
Because she got an F in sex.

Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
She missed.

Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers?
They can't keep their calves together!

When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
After a dye job.

What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag)?
"'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"

What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Why is a blonde like a door knob?
Because everybody gets a turn.

Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
Because she's been laid all over the country.

Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
She kept having affairs with men!

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